Devious Behavior

Statement of Purpose: Psychologists use a lot of downright awful words to describe the word devious. Deceitful, tricky, dishonest, manipulative, fraudulent, scheming, harmful, underhanded, and conniving, just to name a few. Business consultants like me see it manifested in the form of Aggression and Passive Aggression in the workforce. It can be between a boss and their employee, it can be between peers, it can be between an employee or business owner and a client (and when you get out into the social world, the possibilities are endless). Bottom line, Devious and Deceitful Behavior is one of the major problems in this world today and it is a gigantic killer in productivity and quality communications, regardless of the circumstances (i.e. business, marriages, social encounters, national and international interaction, etc. etc.).

Many famous people have weighed in on the subject so rather than give you quotes from all of them or even a sampling of them, let me summarize in a few points, how this behavior looks under a microscope when examined further and then brought out into the light of day and exposed. (1) Devious Behavior is when a person acts one way in front of their spouse, pastor, employees, friends, boss and so forth (almost always putting on their best front), and then acts another, more unattractive way when that person(s) is not around to see this/their destructive behavior. (2) Devious Behavior is when a person, for one reason or another, changes the way they normally operate or they change their personality to either adjust to the situation at hand and/or manipulate others around them to their desired outcome. (3) Devious Behavior is when a person operates in the highly destructive Aggressive Mode and Passive Aggressive Mode interchangeably and profoundly, while almost totally (or completely) abandoning the Assertive Behavior Mode (i.e. the correct mode that deals with issues and never attacks a person). (4) Devious Behavior is when a person justifies to themselves that the ends justifies the means, regardless of the means they are utilizing, to accomplish what they think is right or needs to be done.

There are more explanations but that is the key four and they are quite damming if in fact someone is definitely operating this way. How do you deal with someone you suspect or definitely know is operating in this destructive behavior behind the scenes and/or right out in the open? You confront it assertively, with specific examples (not general ones) and let them know you will no longer tolerate that kind of behavior, period. If they go into denial and/or give you excuses and/or they will not admit they are operating in a Devious way, and you are convinced you have solid evidence to prove it is happening, you need to go back over the specific behavior verified once more and interact with that person until they admit they have been operating in this destructive mode.

Rarely have I found that people operate this way unintentionally, but it can happen under certain circumstances or great pressure. Virtually all of the time I have encountered Devious Behavior, it is intentional and it must be corrected as soon as it is verified, regardless of the party you are dealing with at the time. If you do not have direct authority and/or influence with that person(s), and they refuse to change their destructive behavior, then for your wellbeing, you must plan to distance yourself from them.

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Opinion vs. Opionated

Statement of Purpose: For much of my life, I was a very opinionated person to the point sometimes of being obnoxious and arrogant. It was hard to reason with me if you had another point of view or opinion. Then one day I was at a seminar at a national convention when a motivational speaker zeroed in on these two words and how one of them can bring you lots of grief. He first defined having an opinion as… “Being healthy, having a point of view that is yours, it is your belief, it is your judgment about something you have seen, heard or read, and it can be an estimation, your attitude on a subject and your outlook on it. It is healthy to have opinions on things, so long as you remain open minded to other person’s points of view, even if you are sure they are wrong.”

However, he went on to tell us that… “On the other hand, being opinionated is not healthy and it can be very damaging to many aspects of our lives and our relationships. For instance, being opinionated means we are prejudiced, superior in nature, dogmatic, rigid, inflexible, unbending, fixed and intolerant on an opinion others might have, just for starters. We will therefore be narrow minded, very outspoken and even vehement on a subject. And we almost always state our opinions as THE ONLY CORRECT information on a subject, while expecting others to immediately see the light and accept our opinion unequivocally.”

His advice was to wake up and realize this is not only a big communications killer with people you associate with, it is a big turn off too. Normal people just do not like “know it alls” and while they may deal with them out of necessity, they distain this kind of behavior. He added, this does not say such a person is not knowledgeable or intelligent on a subject. What it does say is that they can become so opinionated, it fogs and diminishes the importance of those talents, skills and knowledge to others and many times causes people to seek those talents, skills and knowledge elsewhere.

Ben Franklin had a tremendous amount of talents, skills and knowledge. And yet, he recognized early in his life he needed to be very careful how he handled sharing this wealth when expressing an opinion or an idea he wanted to be accepted by, or at least seriously considered by, other people. Whenever he began an opinion on a subject whereby he was very sure he was correct, instead of cramming it down people’s throats, he would hear out what others had to say first and then state…. “You know, I could be wrong on this. However, what I believe and have found to be true on this subject is that……… (and then he would state his opinion and wait for a response)……”

There is a basic truism I teach in my sales and in my negotiating seminars that goes like this…. “You do not want to win the arguments all the time, or even most of the time, or you will lose the sale. In fact, I recommend you do not argue with your customers and clients at all. In addition, avoid being a ‘know it all’ when working with a customer or client. Educate them fairly and yet, hear them out because they have opinions too and today, they may have done so much research on the subject, available to them on the Internet, that they know more about it now than you do.”

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Assertive Behavior

The way we respond to honest, sincere, feedback is very important to ones’ self-growth, development and success in life. In addition, the more healthy we are in the areas of self-growth, the more we will seek additional honest, sincere, feedback from trusted friends, relatives and co-workers. That is the beautiful part of responding properly to feedback given to us in the second quadrant of the Johari Window. However, if we are not comfortable with honest, sincere, feedback and we avoid it and/or shun it completely, we will shut down our ability to improve our self-growth and be resentful, even revengeful to those who gave us the honest, sincere, feedback in the first place.

Therefore, we must first recognize the improper reactions and responses to honest, sincere, feedback. Next, we need to learn the steps of proper reactions and responses to this feedback and practice them again and again until we are comfortable with them and do them naturally. Again, we are talking about honest, sincere feedback from people we trust. If we do not trust the person giving us the feedback, then we need to go to someone we do trust to get verification and validation to the feedback we received. That is one step most of us will not do (or we do it in such a way as to pressure our trusted friend into sugar coating their response or negating the feedback altogether). Therefore, true feedback may be stifled because we do not want it exposed any further or validated beyond the person who gave it to us in the first place.

Feedback Reaction and Response Alternatives

Improper Reaction/Response.................................... Proper Reaction/Response

1. Resistance and Anger *......................................... 1. Resistance and Anger *
2. Resentment............................................................ 2. Reassessment of the Feedback
3. Rejection.................................................................. 3. Reconstruction
4. Repression............................................................... 4. Self Growth
5. Revenge.................................................................... 5. We become healthy and well rounded
6. Retaliation either with Active or Passive Aggression
7. Self Growth is stymied and shut down
8. Further Feedback is avoided altogether

It is interesting to note that the first step on both the Improper and Proper Reaction/Response is the same (i.e. Resistance and Anger). That’s because none of us really like to hear these kind of things because we just do not want to admit them and/or, once we hear it, we refuse to do anything about it.

However, as we learn the Proper Reaction/Response steps and practice them religiously, something fascinating begins to happen, this step begins to diminish and eventually disappear altogether.


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Passion and Enthusiasm

“Passion and Enthusiasm combined, energizes your God given Talents.” -John C. Maxwell

“Passion and Enthusiasm combined is the first step to the Achievement of your personal, career, business and life goals.” -Brian Tracy

“The secret to Willpower to achieve what you want in life,
is the burning desire of Wantpower.” -John C. Maxwell


“You must know what you sing about each day, what you cry about each day, and what you dream about each day, if you want to be successful in life.” -Author Unknown

“Passion produces Excellence and is the Foundation for Excellence. Death isn’t the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss in life is what dies in us while we are still alive.” -Norman Cousins

“Every great and commanding movement in the annals of the world
is the Triumph of Enthusiasm.” -Ralph Waldo Emerson

There is a story about the wise Socrates that has been handed down over the ages about Passion, Enthusiasm, Knowledge and Wisdom.

A proud and disdainful man who knew about Socrates, but did not have any respect
for him, came to him one day and said in a disdainful way… “Oh great Socrates, I come to you for Knowledge.” Socrates immediately saw the shallow young man for what he was and so he led this young man to the sea and took him out waist deep into the water.

“Tell me what you want again?” he said. “Knowledge.” …he responded with a smile. Socrates grabbed the young man by his shoulders from behind and forced him underwater for at least thirty seconds. He then let the young man up and asked him a second time… “What do you want?” At this point the young man sputtered slightly, but he still was not impressed… “Wisdom oh great Socrates.” At which point the philosopher pushed him under water again, but for a much longer time. As the young man began to struggle violently, Socrates let him up and asked him a third time… “What do you want?”

“By now the young man was gasping and coughing and he screamed out… “Air…I need Air!!!” Then Socrates looked at him and said… “When you want Knowledge and Wisdom,
as much as you just wanted air to breath, you will receive it.”

No wonder this has lasted down through the ages. It’s powerful indeed.

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The Good Wolf and the Bad Wolf

Many year ago an old Cherokee Indian grandfather,decided it was time to take his grandson for a serious talk. As they reached the crest of a hill and looked down upon the valley, the grandfather began to tell this story told to him by his grandfather. “Inside everyone of us is a Good Wolf and a Bad Wolf. We have no choice about it. Both are born within us at birth.

However, as we grow up and become adults in life,we will find that one of these wolves will eventually kill the other wolf and then dominate our lives and the way we treat others.”

The young Indian child looked at his grandfather and asked, “But grandfather, how will I know which wolf will win the fight?” The grandfather smiled and said… “That is quite simple to know. The wolf that will win the fight is the one you feed the most.”
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Tomorrow - by Anonymous

They had decided they would be, all that they wanted to be—Tomorrow.

None would be braver, kinder, or smarter than they would be—Tomorrow.

They would seek out their friend who was troubled and weary, to let them know they called to lift them up, and see what they could do for them—Tomorrow.

Each day they would neatly prepare lists and stack up the letters and notes they needed to write, the calls they should make and the important things they needed to do—Tomorrow.

They even made a list of the people they wanted to fill with delight—Tomorrow.

You see, the greatest of people, they might have been, and the world would have opened its heart to them, if only they had not relied on—Tomorrow.

But in fact, as they went through life and avoided all the things they could put off until—Tomorrow,—one day they realized their life had passed them by and they had not achieved what they wanted to be, because they had never done the mountain of worthy things they had planned to do—Tomorrow.

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“Procrastination happens when we believe we will experience some kind of pain, if we do the meaningful business and personal tasks we should be doing. Procrastination is one of the biggest killers of keeping a person from accomplishing their full potential in life. The first two letters in Goals is “Go”, so as Nike says… ‘Just Do It.’ Don’t put those important things off any longer. Overcome your fears.”

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For Want of a Nail - Anonymous

This anonymous poem is well over a 1000 years old, but it is just as true then as it is now. As the saying goes… “The Devil is in the Details” and if we do not take care of the details, they will come back to haunt us again and again. Here’s the poem.

For Want of a Nail,

The Shoe was lost.

For want of the Shoe,

The Horse was lost.

For want of the Horse,

The Knight was lost.

For want of the Knight,

The Battle was lost.

And for the want of that one Battle,

The entire War was lost!
Just one small mistake can cost us a small, medium or very large customer, especially if we repeat it. And that converts to lost income in two ways (the money it took to get the customer and the sales income we lose). Zero mistakes may be virtually impossible but it is not a bad idea to shoot for zero mistakes for one day, two days, a week and maybe even a month. Remember, would you fly with an airline that boasts a 99% take off and landing record without loss of life? You get the picture.
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Why My Dad Is Great

In helping my dad put together his blog, I just had to write a quick article explaining what I believe makes him such a successful business consultant, and more importantly to me, a wonderful man...The first thing that comes to mind is his tenderness. My dad is the kind of guy who has suffered enough in life to be tender, patient and kind - to really listen, and better than that, seek to understand and help. I've never met a person who asked my dad for help and didn't get it and then some - he's an amazingly helpful person, in fact some people have been amazed at the lengths to which he has gone to help a total stranger.

My dad is the guy who you see jumping out of their car to help push another car all the way to the gas station, or the one who kindly confronts the person who just cut in line that the rest of us are too scared, or too tired to confront. He's the guy who hasn't given up on anything or anyone in his whole life - the kind you want with you in a fight, the kind you need when the chips are down. Which reminds me, my dad is a fighter, and I can't tell you how many times I've watched him fight with everything he had on behalf of someone else, whether or not there would be a thank you for him in the end.

My dad is the person who helps other people see the potholes in their business, their life, even in their driveway - but he doesn't stop there. He gets out his wheelbarrow - he gets out his shovel, he brings out materials and he goes to work to fill in the holes and make life less bumpy.

I've learned so much from my dad over the years. I've learned to not be afraid of bullies. I've learned that no one can "make" me feel or do anything - but that I choose how to respond in life. I've learned that life is hard, but real men don't give up or give in - they keep going. That's my dad - and if I were you, I'd get him on my team as soon as possible!

I love you Dad! Love, Kim
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